The Great Steak Caper

Our story tonight takes place on a darkened night with a moderate storm occurring in the background.

Are we discussing the minutae of human nature?

Are we referencing anything that has to do with behavioral psychology?

Hell no. We’re talking about a manly subject that many of my readers have come to hold dear: steak and its preparation. Tonight we will discuss the strangeness that comes from invoking a remote spectator in the overall preparation of said steak.

Let’s get to it.

The Caper Begins

When I was in college we had a shared kitchen in the shared dorm. Suffice it to say that several of the denizens of said dorm were of sub-par cooking quality. There were those who could make basic dishes and then there were those who struggled with even the simplest directions that were printed on the basic Cup-o-Noodles recipes.

One of the idiots decided to microwave the equivalent of a Venti cup of a particular Starbucks roast. Needless to say that concoction wound up covering the ceiling of the microwave as well as its bottom; as the idiot stood cleaning it the rest of us gathered around and laughed at him in order to drive home the concept that the aforementioned should not be attempted in a simple microwave.

It absolutely gets worse from here so I encourage you to read on.

The Build-Up

Everything was normal except for the one guy attempting to cook noodles that night. How he managed to burn said noodles and set off the fire alarm is beyond me; however, he pulled off such a feat and therefore the majority of us wound up outside in the cold air of a 2 AM morning.

I talked with one of the fire officers and he had nothing to say beside “Yep, that bowl of overcooked noodles is responsible”. Of course we hunted down the culprit and exacted the college version of frontier justice but that is neither here nor there.

We were informed of the status of the building (i.e. we can all go back inside and go back to sleep) fairly early that night. There are some things that just won’t die, however, and they tend to live on through either written story or word-of-mouth.

I had yet to realize that I would soon be engaged in such a discussion in the worst possible time.

The Steak and Its Victim

As I stand urinating at the stall before me I hear a familiar voice.

“Hawk, does this look medium-rare to you?”

I’M STILL PEEING. For some reason, the stall door is still open so this is at least partially my fault.

“Hawk, take a look at this”.

I’m greeted with a piece of steak on the end of a fork while I’m trying to pee. My friend Alex had thought it proper to bring in this piece of steak for my review; while I generally don’t mind taking a look at various pieces of steak I have a mental block against doing it while I’m urinating.

“Hawk, this is medium-rare, right?”

Alex is now shoving this piece of meat in my face now while I’m trying to pee.

It has a nice exterior coating with just the right amount of internal redness so I figure “this looks good”.

“Of course that’s medium-rare. That looks good to me!”

He replies, “See, that’s what I thought! Thanks, Hawk.”

Upon realizing what has just happened I go back to my business and everything goes normally.


Sometimes your friends need your opinion on a specific cut of meat. Other times, your friends require your opinion in a restroom stall and nothing else can possibly serve the requirements for which have been set forth.

Either way, meat always has some kind of underlying ruleset that is modified based upon how it is cooked.


OkCupid: Portrait of a Lunatic

WARNING: You may need eye bleach after looking through this post; I prefer ingesting bourbon instead. You’ve been warned.

No trigger warning here; you get one friendly statement of caution (believe me, I’m as surprised as you are) and then if you proceed it’s your own damn fault.

That’s more than enough notice so here we go.

A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

However, the majority of those words are derivations of “Gross” and “Horrifying”. From the perspective of my readers, though, they are more likely “Why are you doing this to me?” and “I thought we were friends”.

“This can’t be healthy,” I said as I took yet another swig from my now half-empty 750ml bottle of bourbon since I tend to drink like a fish when I write. Once you see the following photos you’ll understand.

Take a look at this tranny (we go head-first into the deep end here):

Turbo Tranny

Most people I know are saying “Yep, that’s a dude” right about now

What’s this guy trying to prove? Apparently he’s trying to convince himself that he’s of the female persuasion and is presumably looking for a thick shaft to fill the only hole that isn’t spewing feel-good identity crisis rhetoric.

Don’t believe that photo is a tranny? I can understand; there are some chicks that look masculine while still retaining some element of femininity. However, this case has absolutely none of the latter and all of the former so we’ll continue.

Posing Gets You Nowhere

Those bedroom eyes are made of heterosexual nightmares.

Getting more clear? I thought so. I’m a glutton for punishment, though, so I must bring up a third photo in order to drive the point home.

Yoga Has Never Been Less Attractive

Never has yoga been less attractive.

Now that we’ve established the absolute male dominance in this person’s body we can delve further into the broken psyche that allows something this lopsided to occur in the first place.

No, I’m not going to give out a link to this person’s profile. I may be a royal asshole but even I have my limits. Lunacy like this needs to stay online in order to be studied and preserved, not lambasted and insulted to the point where it completely disappears and is of no use to anyone. I’m a practical man so I prefer to keep such examples of sheer insanity online so as to serve as a lesson in what not to do; you don’t want it to get scared and delete its profile.

A Solid 10 in Mental Gymnastics

Now we get the joy of analyzing the textual content of this person’s profile.

I am transgender. I completely identify as being female, and I expect others to see me as female as well. I am a pre-op transgender female. Have not had the operation yet, but I very badly want to when I have the opportunity. I do not have both sex organs. That would be a hermaphrodite. I am not a hermaphrodite. Do not message me and ask me to penetrate you. I will not do this. Like I said, I identify as female and do not take the male role during sexual activity, or any other time. Though, I do wish gender roles were not so strict.

Hey, that’s wonderful.

News flash: I’m not sure what transgender means and I’m too lazy to look up a buzzword being shoved down my throat; I’m guessing, though, that it’s a softer way of saying “pre-op transsexual”. Nobody in his right mind will see you as female so you might as well be honest about it.

“I very badly want to when I have the opportunity” says quite a bit about the selfish nature of the people that participate in this abomination of identity. This thing is deliberately straddling the line between male and female. It’s more than willing to identify as a female while recognizing that it’s biologically a male; you can’t have both so you really need to pick one. I’m sorry you’re too much of a coward to embrace what you were given but that’s really not my problem. What IS my problem, however, is the masquerading of someone completely different before you have the biological organs to back up the claim.

“I do wish gender roles were not so strict”. Bullshit; you just want to go into any bathroom or changing room you choose without being looked-at strangely. As far as I’m concerned sex and gender are tightly-coupled when it comes to natural organs (i.e. those with which you’re born): if you have a dick then you’re a male; if you have a vagina you’re a female.

I feel as though I need to say here that I have no problem with homosexual folks since I know that some of you will try to misconstrue my words. To the wannabe SJW I say go right ahead; my words in this very post will vindicate me. There’s a huge difference between the homosexual folks and these abominations; at least the homosexual folks are honest about who they are. I can absolutely support honesty but I have absolutely zero respect for those that pretend to be something that they are not and then try to subvert nature and come up with spurious definitions for whatever idiocy with which they choose to identify.

The Insanity Continues

This winner can’t be summarized in one paragraph so let’s analyze this (good movie, by the way):

Sex and gender are two different things. Sex is biological. Gender is how one identifies. Sex reassignment surgery is listed as a viable treatment for transgender people because it would cause a lot of psychological harm to try to change a person’s gender identity, so surgeries are available. If you can’t change the mind to adapt to physical appearance then you change the physical appearance to reflect the identify of your mind (how one identifies).

Now, to make this clear, I am an alien. I also have a more evolved view on sexuality and gender. I believe it is wonderful to be sexually ambiguous. I do not believe anyone should have to claim a gender or assigned gender roles. Also, I believe everyone should be pansexual. This world would be a better place.

I have chosen to label myself as female not because I believe I am undoubtedly female, but because I believe I am more female than male, as in I have many more feminine qualities, so I believe labeling myself as female would be most accurate and would help me to feel the way I believe I should feel based on how people usually treat many females in this society. Well, in all honesty, I deserve more than how most women are treated in this society, but like I said before, at least it is the most accurate portrayal of my genuine feminine qualities.

Holy hell, where should I start?

“Sex and gender are two different things. Sex is biological. Gender is how one identifies.” If one doesn’t match the other then you get sex reassignment surgery. If you can’t get the surgery for the time being then you suck it the hell up and learn to live with the hand you’re dealt. There are a considerable number of people who have it worse than you and have still found a way to make it work; your idiocy barely registers on my radar in the grand scheme of world problems.

“If you can’t change the mind to adapt to physical appearance then you change the physical appearance to reflect the identify of your mind (how one identifies).” I’ll back you on that. I add an additional stipulation, though, that the two must always match. You can’t be like this guy and be biologically male while claiming to be mentally female; anyone who knows me will agree that I put very little importance on feelings. I believe in things that people can see or experience; a huge difference between what’s biologically available and what’s mentally available is not something that can be handled without significant compromise on one of those two sides.

“Now, to make this clear, I am an alien. I also have a more evolved view on sexuality and gender. I believe it is wonderful to be sexually ambiguous. I do not believe anyone should have to claim a gender or assigned gender roles. Also, I believe everyone should be pansexual. This world would be a better place.” It sounds to me like you’ve been watching too many episodes of South Park and want to believe you’re a “goo-back”. You don’t have a more evolved view on sexuality and gender; you have the same bullshit ideology that your fellow idiots have been parroting for years.

“I do not believe anyone should have to claim a gender or assigned gender roles. Also, I believe everyone should be pansexual. This world would be a better place.” One homogenous gender. Sound familiar again? I come from a background that celebrates differences in the genders; i.e. the biological women can have kids and the men can’t. That’s just how nature works. Don’t like it? Die. I’m not trying to sound like a harsh guy here but if you’re not in tune with the movement of nature then you’ll die out via natural selection.

Get a load of this load:

Also, I am an interdimensionary being, as we all are. I am not physical, but this host body is. I am soul.

E.T. called and he wants his communicator back; call NASA. I’m very much interested in the metaphysical aspect of life but even my investigative mind can’t process the thought that makes “I am not physical, but this host body is” a reality.

How can anyone believe the aforementioned? I find myself asking that quite frequently but at least in this case I can take solace in the fact that the guy is completely insane.


You should message me if you are open-minded, don’t care about me being transgender, or want a friend.

The term “open-minded” is thrown around a lot lately. I’ve noticed that it tends to mean “willing to put up with any insane idea emanating from a mind that doesn’t understand its implications” these days. Given the recent track record of humanity you’re an idiot if you’re open-minded.

Call me anything you want. What it really boils down to is that I’m a rational man that refuses to become the prey of the “progressive” community.

As a whole the human race stands to lose a considerable amount due to these divisions made by nothing more than buzzwords and feel-good ideology.